The love of my life

Sayang,

Today is 4th of december 2015 (friday). This means another nine days is your big day with her.

Semakin dekat sayang my heart beats even faster each day. I really hope that we will have the best of nine days in our life. I dont know if i can go through these days without tears and feeling sad.

I really want to be happy, but i do know that you are happy because soon she will be yours forever.

I cant stop but to think how it will be after your wedding...will you still be mine? Will you still love me the way you use to? Can i look at your face without seeing her?

I really dont know... i just hope Allah will give me strenght to move on even it hurts me so much.

I hope you will be happy with her. And you will have a better marriage than when you are with me.

So long my sweetheart the love of my life...

Life must go on

On 5th december 2015 we made a trip to melacca. Our main purpose is to visit chik nong who is not well due to breast cancer.

When we saw her she was overwhelmed to see us. She cried while telling us about her feet and she has no appettite recently.

All of us felt sad and my mind thought about arwah mak and my mother in law. How they gone through what chik nong is going through now.

I hope that i will not trouble anyone especially my husband and my children. I wish that i will die easy like arwah abah.

I dont want to be a burden to anyone. Soon my husband will marry his new wife. I dont know wether he will take care of me when i am sick. He will have a lot on his plate, can he deal with it?

I will take care of myself. I dont want him to get caught in the middle between me and her. Let him be happy with his new wife. I dont want to depend on him anymore.

Life must go on...with or without him by my side.

My love, my life you are my everything...

Today is 23rd of November 2015 and exactly 21 days from today you are getting married with your new partner. The love of your life....

I don't know how i want to express my feelings at this moment.

I am scared... scared that you might neglect me and the kids after you married her.
I am happy...happy for you because more than two years of waiting will soon paid of.
I am sad... sad because after sixteen years of living together now i have to face my life without you always by my side.

I am used to wake up every morning and looking at you sleeping beside me. Now we are going to have lesser time together.

Imagine this i will see you during weekdays if my turn is on weekdays. We will only see each other from the time you reach home that would be around seven or eight at night. Then we eat dinner then watch tv together. By 11 we will have to go to sleep. So the next morning we will have about 1 or 2 hours before you go to  work and i have to send the children to school. Basically i will see you roughly four to five hours everyday. Three to four days in a week.

If our turn falls during the weekend so we will have more time together. After sixteen years of marriage i have to get use to this. I really dont know if i can go through this or not. I really hope that Allah can give me strenght to move on.

Do you still love me??

Got a message from him..syg saya lewat sikit hari ni ye. Lagipun hari hujan lebat sangat... what..??

He is driving his car today...daaa what an excuse.. then i asked...are you with her? Then paused a few second he answered..nak gi minum jap...

I just answered ..ok ..then he texed ..tq syg...daa what do you want me to say. Yeay i am happy for you because you are having dinner with your girlfriend... i am your wife for god sake!!!

How am i suppose to react.... i am not strong. I am trying real hard to act as though i am ok with all this..

What should i do?? When is all this going to end? Ya Allah help me to go through this. Its really hard.

i want to move on...

It's tough since the night that i cried...feeling worthless, angry, betrayed and sad. I feel that i can't go on.

I gave a lot of thinking how long can i be like this...a day, a week, a month or a year. He seems ok these few days...but i just don't know how long will it last.

every day i pray to ALLAH to take away feelings of anger, hatred and jealous from me. I want to live my life in peace and happiness. I haven't felt happy since that day..

She took away my happiness... i am only here because he wants me to be around and coz of my children. My heart broke to pieces which can never be repaired anymore.

I want to move on...the only way that i know how is to be ignorance. I want to ignore him wether he loves me or not, wether he loves her more...??

I don't want to know if he is going out with her or not... i know he is. Sometimes he lied when he is out with her. I was so angry...why must he lied to me. As though i don't know about her. His excuses was that he don't want me to think he is doing anything with her...daaa... i would'nt know right.. even he say his not doing anything i will always think differently. That is what wifes do think the worst thing that could happen.

How am i going to move on??? The time is getting near he told me he would wait until end of june for any new updates from her parents since the day she told them about him. I am counting the number of days. I want to hear what he will tell me..

I assume he will say she needs more time to convince her parents to meet him. Which i dont know how long is it this time...a week, a month or another year. Can i go through with this? Come on just get married what ever happen next you guys have to think about it later.

Don't do this to me anymore.. i can't just sit and watch this until i die. Help me to move on with my life.

Let me go....

Yesterday i felt that he is hiding something..maybe he is having an argument with HER. Or this is one of those days he feels missing HER.

I don't know what it was..but it really bothered me. When i asked him he said he was ok and they are ok. I am not sure wether he is telling the truth. I don't care if their having an argument or what ever but just don't let me feel that i am not worth anything.

He said he is with me but i told him yes he is but his mind is not. He just could not get it that i can sense he is not being himself. Yes its true he has the right to think about her but just please dont make it too obvious.

I am human sometime i can take it but sometime i can't. He put it as though come on i am with you now what more do you want. Even though i want to be with her now i just can't because i don't have a legal relationship with her.

That is why i asked you to marry her as soon as possbile....i am really tired of this. When is this going to be over. I cannot take it any longer.

Please let me go....i cannot hold on any longer.

making love out of nothing at all

one night it was thursday night (malam jumaat) he hinted to make love. I was surprised and at the same time happy and worried. 

I don't know what to expect... but it went on great until when it supposed to be the right time his inside me i couldn't feel him. I wonder what happen...never before i can't feel him inside me. 

I asked him whether was it my fault he said no its just one of the bad day for him. So thats the end of it we hugged and talked. Until he fell asleep...but i can't close my eyes. I kept on thinking what went wrong was it me or him.

when he woke up that morning i told him that i cannot sleep. He told me not to think about it. But that morning i realised she is coming for an interview. No wonder he was thinking about her.

I know then that she was in his mind always...maybe he was thinking how the interview will turn out, how is she going to travel all the way from her hometown to kl. Oh Allah please give me strenght to go through all this.

This can't go on....its not fair for me.. why should i be in the middle of their problems. This really shows that he loves her so much but he don't want to admit it because he doesn't want to hurt me. Is this the right way to do it?

Please let me go....i kept on saying this to him. He was angry when i told him. He will not leave me no matter what happen.

time to move on??

5th april 2015... we're going out on a date after sooo long we have not been alone without kids tagged along.

It's fun and i felt like going on a first date. We rode out at 7 am and have breakfast in kl. Nasi lemak istana and i had mee kicap. Since 11 march i have not eaten rice only minimal portion. So i am trying to maintain my diet. its hard actually but i want to do this for myself. My self confident has gone down tremendously since i knew about his affair.

I am trying slowly to move on with my life. Knowing that he has someone else makes me feel so low and unwanted. I want to get back my dignity and self esteem in life.

I've sacrifised a lot since the first day of our marriage.  i need to do things that i want to do. I want to change my life for the sake of my family. I love them so much my children is my most valuable treasure and my husband is my soulmate my one and only love of my life. I cant live without them but i know they can live without me.

We are going for a movie ...fast and furious 7. It was a great movie....to watch the late paul walker on his last movie. My darling he really love the movie. I think he loves the movie more than me being there beside him. i don't know wether he had great time as i did or is he just doing it to please me. I dont know does he feels the same way i did.

Is he doing all this because of his guilt or he is doing it because he wants to and because he loves me?? Only he can answer that ..

I know she also watched the same movie but on different day. I think he just wants to watch the movie but imagining watching it with her. Life sucks!!!

I really need to talk with him about my status, about her ...about us.

janji untuk ditepati atau dikhianati??

Promises is it for keeps or meant to be broken..

Manusia sentiasa berpegang pada janji..tapi manusia juga yang sentiasa memungkiri janji. Janji untuk sehidup semati..janji untuk saling percaya mempercayai..but once its broken you cannot trust anyone anymore.

Janji untuk sayang menyayangi ke akhir hayat...tapi janji hanya tinggal janji. I love you so much ... but do you still love me??

what is it that she has makes you love her more..?? Other than a pretty face and a sexy body..is that what you are looking for in a woman now... after so many years togetherthese are really important to you??

I know that i have not been the best wife for you  for the past two years...but i also wonder is it because of her that our relationship change. A lot of questions in my mind needs to be answered.

You have told me once that we are not like normal people where they have sex at least two times a week. But as for us we had once or twice in one month. Is it my fault? I thought all these while you are not interested in sex because you have problem with the "mangkuk ayun". So i try to understand and i just follow your needs  but now i think you are not interested in me since the past two years because you have her. Is she always in your mind every time we are together.

Were you thinking and imagining her when we make love.? Do you really think that you  still love me? When i asked you about the stain on your underwear, you were so angry with me and said you were looking at pictures of sexy girl in the you tube. You did that because you did not had enough from me. I am sorry.... it was my mistake.

That is why you fell in  love with her . it's all my fault. I cant turn back the time but i have to accept the fact that you love someone else. All these years i thought you only call me "sayang" but when i saw your message to her my heart break to pieces..i wouldnt have imagine this will happen to me. I gave you my trust but now i cant trust anyone anymore....

love is blind..

Love is blind... itulah ungkapan yg selalu kita dengar. Cinta itu buta atau manuaia yang buta hati.

As for me love is a wonderful feelings between two person. It is pure, honest and trust.....but i have lost all that in one day.

Can i trust him ever again?? Every day i thought that he is going to meet her, call her and spend time together. eventhough i know for the fact she is living outside of kl. But the trust is no longer there...

each time i hear his phone rings or beeps i always thought it's her...am i paranoid. I hate to feel this way each day...i don't know how long i can stand with all this.

Last night i slept on the floor... i don't think he even realised that. I was sad i know he was not feeling well. But he just climb up the bed and face the other way and went to sleep without even saying a word to me. How would that make anyone feel?

I cried and felt useless.... how long can i take it? It will eventually eating me inside until one day i just can't wake up anymore.
Until one day i just give up to live anymore..

The pain is growing each day ...and i feel my chest hurts everyday. Ya Allah please give me strenght to move on with my life....

Am i worth anything to you??

Teman lelaki upahan...

Nice story about a happy go lucky guy and a beautiful but very arrogant success women.

Two different character but ended up falling in love with each other...totally unpredictable right because they were meant to be together.

I remember the first time we've met was when i walked in your deparment and been introduced as the "the new kid on the block".

the first time i saw you my heart just pumped so fast...but i acted calmly but only Allah knows how my heart was on that day.

fate works so amazingly we started to go out on a date... it was wonderful. We had great time together. I wish that i can turn back time to the first time we went out.

Every thing went perfectly right until one day i got to know that you're engaged with one of your distance relative chose by your mother. If i had known you were engaged i would stay as far away from you. At that time i had someone else who really loves me but i couldn't love him back because he was my ex boyfriend's best friend. That was the end of my relationsip with that guy and i haven't heard from him since.

After i knew you were engaged, we tried to break up a few times but because we love each other so much we can't be apart. Then you make a bold decision to go against your parents and cancelled the engagement. It was a bravest move by a guy to do. God knows how you fought for me and until now i can't forget and very glad you did it for me.

Will you do the same for her?? Do you love her that much until you would go against all odds...

It really hurt when you know that your love of your life has someone else and can call her sayang ...besides you.

Allah please give me strenght and courage to go through this.. it hurts the cut is so deep. Sometime i wonder when we're in bed together were you thinking about her.

Now i realised why is it during the last two years you were different with me. You were always angry.. everything i do is wrong.
you always critised the way i look. You starts to compare between me and her.

I know now that i am not the sexy, beautiful, fair and smart women as she is. I am who i am. I chose to be where i am now because of you. You wanted a woman who can take care of your children and always be home when you came back from work.

But when i look at her she is a career woman who loves freedom but still you can fell in love with her....am i so stupid and useless to you. I sacrifised my job for you i ignored my dreams just to be a good wife to you...are all these worth it for me??

I am happy because i can take care of our children, you and i had the chance to take care of arwah mak. But now i am really sad that all my sacrifises don't mean a thing to you... do i worth anything to you anymore??

will you still be mine?

We've known each other more than 19 years..you've met her only for two years..

but you've fallen in love with her?? Do you still love me that is the question in my mind every day..i asked my self..

I know i am not beautiful, sexy and smart like her. But this is me .. the same person you've been married to. I know i am not good in pleasing your needs.. i tried. Maybe i am just being myself. I am  a lover but not a sexy sultry women you want me to be.

For me love is not only about sex but the feelings of belonging with each other, respect and grateful of being in each other arms for the rest of our life.

It's not easy to wake up each day and pretend nothing happen. It happened..we can never deny it. I am trying so hard to keep this between us. My heart cried out every day and sometimes it is so painful until i can't breath.

You broke my heart...but i still love you because deep inside me knows that i am the reason all this happen. I have not been a good wife to you. I am sorry... trust me i will never blame you ...or her.

I really hope you will always be mine..

why me???

All women want to fall in love once...
want to get married once in their lifetime.

Love is the greatest and wonderful feelings that is inside each and everyone of us.. given the privilege by Allah to loved and be loved.

but when one day you found out that your love has betrayed you...how does it make you feel.. you can't blame fate for it. But you try to find your fault and try to change..

Life is a journey...you have to walk through it and understand why it happened...why you???