The love of my life

Sayang,

Today is 4th of december 2015 (friday). This means another nine days is your big day with her.

Semakin dekat sayang my heart beats even faster each day. I really hope that we will have the best of nine days in our life. I dont know if i can go through these days without tears and feeling sad.

I really want to be happy, but i do know that you are happy because soon she will be yours forever.

I cant stop but to think how it will be after your wedding...will you still be mine? Will you still love me the way you use to? Can i look at your face without seeing her?

I really dont know... i just hope Allah will give me strenght to move on even it hurts me so much.

I hope you will be happy with her. And you will have a better marriage than when you are with me.

So long my sweetheart the love of my life...

Life must go on

On 5th december 2015 we made a trip to melacca. Our main purpose is to visit chik nong who is not well due to breast cancer.

When we saw her she was overwhelmed to see us. She cried while telling us about her feet and she has no appettite recently.

All of us felt sad and my mind thought about arwah mak and my mother in law. How they gone through what chik nong is going through now.

I hope that i will not trouble anyone especially my husband and my children. I wish that i will die easy like arwah abah.

I dont want to be a burden to anyone. Soon my husband will marry his new wife. I dont know wether he will take care of me when i am sick. He will have a lot on his plate, can he deal with it?

I will take care of myself. I dont want him to get caught in the middle between me and her. Let him be happy with his new wife. I dont want to depend on him anymore.

Life must go on...with or without him by my side.

My love, my life you are my everything...

Today is 23rd of November 2015 and exactly 21 days from today you are getting married with your new partner. The love of your life....

I don't know how i want to express my feelings at this moment.

I am scared... scared that you might neglect me and the kids after you married her.
I am happy...happy for you because more than two years of waiting will soon paid of.
I am sad... sad because after sixteen years of living together now i have to face my life without you always by my side.

I am used to wake up every morning and looking at you sleeping beside me. Now we are going to have lesser time together.

Imagine this i will see you during weekdays if my turn is on weekdays. We will only see each other from the time you reach home that would be around seven or eight at night. Then we eat dinner then watch tv together. By 11 we will have to go to sleep. So the next morning we will have about 1 or 2 hours before you go to  work and i have to send the children to school. Basically i will see you roughly four to five hours everyday. Three to four days in a week.

If our turn falls during the weekend so we will have more time together. After sixteen years of marriage i have to get use to this. I really dont know if i can go through this or not. I really hope that Allah can give me strenght to move on.

Do you still love me??

Got a message from him..syg saya lewat sikit hari ni ye. Lagipun hari hujan lebat sangat... what..??

He is driving his car today...daaa what an excuse.. then i asked...are you with her? Then paused a few second he answered..nak gi minum jap...

I just answered ..ok ..then he texed ..tq syg...daa what do you want me to say. Yeay i am happy for you because you are having dinner with your girlfriend... i am your wife for god sake!!!

How am i suppose to react.... i am not strong. I am trying real hard to act as though i am ok with all this..

What should i do?? When is all this going to end? Ya Allah help me to go through this. Its really hard.

i want to move on...

It's tough since the night that i cried...feeling worthless, angry, betrayed and sad. I feel that i can't go on.

I gave a lot of thinking how long can i be like this...a day, a week, a month or a year. He seems ok these few days...but i just don't know how long will it last.

every day i pray to ALLAH to take away feelings of anger, hatred and jealous from me. I want to live my life in peace and happiness. I haven't felt happy since that day..

She took away my happiness... i am only here because he wants me to be around and coz of my children. My heart broke to pieces which can never be repaired anymore.

I want to move on...the only way that i know how is to be ignorance. I want to ignore him wether he loves me or not, wether he loves her more...??

I don't want to know if he is going out with her or not... i know he is. Sometimes he lied when he is out with her. I was so angry...why must he lied to me. As though i don't know about her. His excuses was that he don't want me to think he is doing anything with her...daaa... i would'nt know right.. even he say his not doing anything i will always think differently. That is what wifes do think the worst thing that could happen.

How am i going to move on??? The time is getting near he told me he would wait until end of june for any new updates from her parents since the day she told them about him. I am counting the number of days. I want to hear what he will tell me..

I assume he will say she needs more time to convince her parents to meet him. Which i dont know how long is it this time...a week, a month or another year. Can i go through with this? Come on just get married what ever happen next you guys have to think about it later.

Don't do this to me anymore.. i can't just sit and watch this until i die. Help me to move on with my life.

Let me go....

Yesterday i felt that he is hiding something..maybe he is having an argument with HER. Or this is one of those days he feels missing HER.

I don't know what it was..but it really bothered me. When i asked him he said he was ok and they are ok. I am not sure wether he is telling the truth. I don't care if their having an argument or what ever but just don't let me feel that i am not worth anything.

He said he is with me but i told him yes he is but his mind is not. He just could not get it that i can sense he is not being himself. Yes its true he has the right to think about her but just please dont make it too obvious.

I am human sometime i can take it but sometime i can't. He put it as though come on i am with you now what more do you want. Even though i want to be with her now i just can't because i don't have a legal relationship with her.

That is why i asked you to marry her as soon as possbile....i am really tired of this. When is this going to be over. I cannot take it any longer.

Please let me go....i cannot hold on any longer.

making love out of nothing at all

one night it was thursday night (malam jumaat) he hinted to make love. I was surprised and at the same time happy and worried. 

I don't know what to expect... but it went on great until when it supposed to be the right time his inside me i couldn't feel him. I wonder what happen...never before i can't feel him inside me. 

I asked him whether was it my fault he said no its just one of the bad day for him. So thats the end of it we hugged and talked. Until he fell asleep...but i can't close my eyes. I kept on thinking what went wrong was it me or him.

when he woke up that morning i told him that i cannot sleep. He told me not to think about it. But that morning i realised she is coming for an interview. No wonder he was thinking about her.

I know then that she was in his mind always...maybe he was thinking how the interview will turn out, how is she going to travel all the way from her hometown to kl. Oh Allah please give me strenght to go through all this.

This can't go on....its not fair for me.. why should i be in the middle of their problems. This really shows that he loves her so much but he don't want to admit it because he doesn't want to hurt me. Is this the right way to do it?

Please let me go....i kept on saying this to him. He was angry when i told him. He will not leave me no matter what happen.